I was a very confused child. I never understood what was going on around me, and no one ever seemed to take the time to explain. For example, in primary school my class put on a play. Atleast, I think it was my class – it may have been a combination of classes. I was given the task of opening and closing the curtains. The problem was, I had no idea what was going on. The first day of rehearsal when I was asked to operate the curtains was fine. However, I did not know that we were putting on a show until the day we did it several weeks later. Each rehearsal, I had to be told to operate the curtains, and the teacher and students would be mad at me for not being in position and ready to go – how was I supposed to know that it was an ongoing job, and not a one day thing? I didn’t even know we were rehearsing for a production, or I would have understood. I needed someone to tell me, “Our class is going to perform this play. We will be rehearsing it several times over the next few weeks. Your job will be to open and close the curtains.” No one told me. I really don’t have fond memories of growing up, and I think a major reason for that is the constant confusion and stress I was under. I was often disciplined for being disobedient, when I was just confused. I never knew what I was in trouble for doing, or not doing.
As I got older and transitioned through the terrible challenges of puberty, I decided that everyone goes through life alone and confused; they just hid it better than I did. I felt weak for not being able to cope with what everyone else could. Why did the confusion cause me so much stress and anxiety when others didn’t seem to mind at all?
Now that I know about Asperger’s Syndrome I have learnt that other’s aren’t confused. It’s just me. They don’t deal with the anxiety of confusion better than I do; they not confused. I still feel confused, but atleast I don’t have to condemn myself for finding that difficult. The other day I was watching the tralier for a movie with a parallel universe the and I thought, “That’s what my life feels like. Moving around in a parallel universe where everyone knows the rules and expects me to as well, but I don’t. I don’t know them at all.” I try to accept the confusion now. In a way, I don’t feel as stressed or anxious because the confusion is just a part of every day life for me. New situations are still extremely difficult, but I can generally manage daily life. I try to pay attention to what is going on around me, and I think I am all righ at faking being clued in to a certain extent. Then again, maybe not. I am still fequently told that I’m weird or strange, and my family still gets annoyed with me for not “keeping up”. Most people close to me have come to accept my “quirkiness”, so perhaps I just think I’m fitting in better when the truth is that those around me are just more accepting than my teachers and schoolmates of childhood. I still have moments (and days and weeks) when living in this world is simply over-whelming and I just want to scream and bang my head, but overall, I get by.