Simulacrum of normal

Aspergers Syndrome in the adult life

To blog or not to blog? January 13 2011

Filed under: Just living — adah @ 1:27 am

I haven’t posted here for quite some time. When I first started this blog, I thought I had so much I wanted to say. I still do, but after a while, I felt that blogging my thoughts was not as therapeutic as I had hoped. I wanted a place where I could share my struggles and the things that I have learnt. After a while though, I questioned whether I just sounded bitter and whiny. Who wants to read stuff like that? I certainly don’t, especially when it’s my own writings. I don’t like to think of myself as a bitter or whiny person. All right, I can admit to being bitter, but whiny and immature? Yuck. The other problem I discovered with blogging, was that it made me think about things too much. When things happened throughout my day, I would think, “Oh, I could blog about this.” Many of these things were things that I may have been able to just let go of previously, but since I was actively thinking about them, it became harder to let go and move on.

So, why am I posting now? This is not a final post to say that I am closing up this blog. The past couple of months (that include the oh so stressful Christmas/New Year’s period) have made me realise all over again the need to blog. The need for some kind of public avenue to express my thoughts. Yes, I have a private journal, and have kept one since I was a child. But it’s not enough. Like so many others, I want to at least feel like I can tell the world what’s going on inside my head. Even if no one ever reads this. Even if people read this and can’t relate to me. Blogging gives me the illusion of sharing.

Apart from my sister, my family do not know that I have Asperger’s Syndrome, and I will never tell them. They would not understand and could never accept or believe it. Likewise, I don’t tell my friends or talk about it with anyone around me. This is my only avenue where I feel like I can be myself in public. Where I can be truly honest about how I feel. So, at the risk of sounding bitter, whiny or immature, I will keep blogging. Who knows? There may be those out there who can relate or at least sympathise. There may even be those who can be encouraged by my thoughts and struggles.

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